A Survivor’s Guide to Getting Through Valentine’s Day

BY ALLY HIRSCHLAG February 13, 2019

Valentine’s Day is hard for a lot of people. No matter how brands modify marketing strategies to be inclusive as possible of all relationship statuses and orientations, it still feels a lot like a holiday reserved for couples, who then feel obligated to show affection in grandiose ways. But what about the many people who’ve suffered abuse from a partner rather than love and tenderness? No amount of flowers and chocolate, whether from a loving new partner or bought for oneself, can make up for that.

Partner violence is far from uncommon. According to the National Coalition Against Domestic Violence (NCADV), one in three women and one in four men in the United States has experienced some form of physical violence at the hands of an intimate partner. Additionally, 48.4 percent of women and 48.8 percent of men have faced psychologically aggressive behavior from an intimate partner. It’s prevalent across all communities, regardless of age, socio-economic status, sexual orientation, gender, race, or religion (though studies suggest that LGBTQ folks face it at higher rates than others). And even after a victim escapes an abusive relationship, the physical and psychological effects can last a lifetime.

”I always have this feeling of deep sadness on Valentine’s Day that I just can’t shake off,” Mirela, a survivor of domestic abuse, tells Allure. “I had a really hard time allowing other people to get close to me, as I was afraid I will get hurt again.”

“V-Day made me feel even more worthless than I already did,” Kate, another survivor, says. For some survivors of domestic or dating violence, Valentine’s Day imposes a painful sense of responsibility to show love and affection. On February 14th, they often feel more alone, depressed, and vulnerable than they do all year — but that doesn’t mean there isn’t hope.

Survival Doesn’t Mean Freedom From Pain

No matter what specific abuse a person experiences in a relationship or how long the abuse has lasted, it often leaves its mark on survivors in a multitude of ways. According to statistics collected by the NCADV, women who’ve been abused are more susceptible to STIs and other prolonged reproductive health effects. On the psychological and emotional side, survivors can develop neurological disorders, chronic pain, generalized anxiety, depression, and post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD). They also tend to be at a higher risk for developing addictions to alcohol, tobacco, and/or drugs.

Holidays that revolve around love can be particularly painful because aggressors often cite affection as the reason for abuse.

Living with PTSD means you’re prone to being thrown back into traumatic moments, which can disrupt your life. “When one is triggered, one is brought back in time, meaning it feels as if one is reliving the trauma in the here and now,” Silvia M. Dutchevici, a LCSW, psychotherapist, and founder of Critical Therapy Center, tells Allure. “When triggered, psychologically, the survivor is unable to distinguish that this is a memory.”

Holidays that revolve around love can be particularly painful because aggressors often cite affection as a reason for abusing their partners. “Regardless of whether or not this is how the violence is justified, the fact that the violence occurs between people who are romantically linked means that any ‘holiday’ or event that revolves around love and expressions of love can be upsetting/triggering to the abused person,” Christine Selby, an associate professor of psychology at Husson University, explains.

The gift giving encouraged around Valentine’s Day can also be tricky for survivors, Selby says, because “flowers, chocolate, or jewelry are [often] offered to the person who has been abused as a way of ‘apologizing’ for the abuse.”

What Valentine’s Day Is Like When Your Partner Is Your Abuser

There’s an aspect of Valentine’s Day that can be even more detrimental than what triggers dredge up. Since Valentine’s Day evokes an idealized notion of love, it can remind survivors of good times they had with an abuser and make them feel particularly lonely, which may, in turn, tempt them to go back to that abusive relationship.

Social Services supervisor Natalie Rentas of Day One, a nonprofit working to end dating abuse and domestic violence, often sees these feelings come up with clients during holidays. “They hold onto the memories of the good times that they had, especially during these holidays, and that usually breeds a hope that this person can go back to being the good person that they were,” Rentas tells Allure. “Despite how much hurt they [experienced], they can remember how good it felt, and think that they can probably make it work, because at one time, things were good.”

The hope is that with the right support, triggers like Valentine’s Day will, over time, become less impactful and destabilizing.

Or as KM, another survivor who wishes to use her initials to retain anonymity, puts it, “Valentine’s Day was a reminder of what should have been normal, but wasn’t.”

Acknowledging Triggers and Moving Forward

For survivors, recovering from abusive trauma is a gradual process, and however you want to deal with the effects is valid. But it’s also important to acknowledge that while what happened to you may have left scars, those scars don’t have to define the day, event, or object you associate with them. You have the power to redefine those things for yourself so that they no longer haunt you.

One survivor, named Casey, did that by taking off her wedding ring and giving herself a new, empowering ring: “I started to wear a sunshine ring on my pinky finger to remind me that no matter how hard things have been, the sun will still rise. It’s sort of a promise to myself to keep looking up and remember a new day always comes tomorrow.”

Getting Through February 14th

If you’re an abuse survivor, there’s not one way to cope with feelings that Valentine’s Day might stir up. But if you can do things that empower you and make you feel good, that’s a step in the right direction. (And for those of you who haven’t experienced abuse but know a friend who has, Valentine’s Day is a good time to reach out and remind them you’re there for them in any way they need.)

Here are some general suggestions that may work for you.

• Surround yourself with support: Seek out friends and family who make you feel validated and won’t encourage you to return to your abuser.
• Call a helpline: There are quite a few hotlines available for those who are or have experienced domestic abuse. There’s Day One, which is a great resource. You can call the National Domestic Violence Hotline at (800) 799-7233 or RAINN, the National Sexual Assault Hotline, which you can reach at (800) 656-4673.
• Take self-defense classes: Mirela suggests self-defense classes, not necessarily as a defense against a future incident of abuse, but as a way to make you feel stronger and less vulnerable.
• Turn to therapy: Talk with a therapist or a survivor group where you can be candid about the trauma you experienced. “The ability to process and sit with your trauma is one of the hardest and most important parts of healing,” Dutchevici says.
• Put your own needs first: Do whatever makes you feel good and at peace. It could be meditating or seeing a silly movie or reading that book you’ve been curious about.

Overall, the hope is that with the right support, no matter where it comes from, triggers like Valentine’s Day will, over time, become less impactful and destabilizing. Yes, the trauma you experienced was real, but the memories of it don’t have to keep hurting you. The more autonomy you allow yourself to have over them, the sooner they’ll fade into the background.